Shaq the Godhead, the Sunderer of the Divine
Logan Bonner [hit] the 7-11 mother lode with his discovery of Soda Shaq… the gigantic canned beverage designed, I assume, to only be consumable by Kazaam star Shaquille O’Neal. Logan put this hypnotizing pink canister into my hands mere moments before I had to run one of the last sessions of the Pathfinder Delve, resulting in a total corruption of what was supposed to be a 15-minute demo game. Suddenly a few friendly rounds of monster murdering turned into the final battle against a hydrating harbinger of the most extreme end times. And to top it off, someone recorded it! I’ve since thrown in few annotations and now you can witness the entire debacle here.
But, if that isn’t enough for you, here’s how you can run Shaq in your home game. If you really want. Be warned: doing this can destory all reality. I mean in real fucking life, people.
Shaq the Godhead
“Shaq the Godhead” is an acquired template that can be added to any creature. *Any creature.* None are ever safe, for all that exists within the past, present, and hopeless future contain a spark of Shaq within. You must use a Shaq Soda in order to have a creature channel Shaq, the Godhead, the Sunderer of the Divine, the Pharaoh of the Hopeless Future.
CR: Same as the base creature + 10. Wait, screw that, this is Shaq the Godhead! Numbers are meaningless to express the horror that awaits all causality.
Type: Creature type changes to shaq. No scholars have been able to document all of what this means and keep their sanity, so we don’t know what this means, either. But at minimum, that means the creature is taller than normal, towering like a god does. That probably affects its saves, HD, and more. We dare you to confront the Godhead and return with findings! We dare those findings to be consistent!
Armor Class: Mere mortals cannot stand against the might of Shaq (and in this case, gods are mere mortals to the Godhead). Base creature gains a +OMG shaq bonus to armor class.
Special Abilities: Shaq can see all and will not take your pathetic shit. The base creature gains the low-light vision, darkvision, UV-vision, television, and quality vision benefits up to 1 thousand-million miles. It gains immunity to sleep, paralysis, blindness, flanking, media criticism, mild scalp discomfort, and caring about shit. In addition, Shaq gains the following.
Charging Balla: Shaq’s initiative is +infinity. You gonna go first? Hell no — Shaq’s on deck, son.
From the Paint: Let’s be honest, any ranged weapons that Shaq attempts to use have a range increment of 5 feet, regardless of whatever weapon you’re using.
Kazaam: If the base creature has any ranks in a Perform skill, it loses them. The Godhead will not lower itself through acting or other performance ever again.
Majesty of the Godhead: Shaq is a god, and may be worshipped as such. Clerics and other classes that can cast divine spells may beseech Shaq for magic, but Shaq’s kind of a dick and doesn’t play well with his own team, so don’t expect anything.
Ultimate Doom: If Shaq is defeated, that is not the end. You have perhaps only delayed the inevitable, for Shaq exists within every being, living and dead. Only through purging all life and unlife can we become free of Shaq, and that is what Shaq wishes most of all.
Speed: If you are using a Shaq Soda can for the mini, the base creature loses all forms of movement, and instead has a speed of 5 feet. If you aren’t using a Shaq Soda, you lose! Move to another state or country, change your name, and live forever in shame.
Size: Put the soda can on the board. Use your powers of observation to figure this out. Shaq wiil not do all the work for you!
Special Attacks: Shaq gains the following.
Soda Slam: As a totally awesome standard action, Shaq can fall on those fools who dare stand up against it. Anyone whose mini is physically hit by this crushing attack must succeed at a Fortitude, Reflex, or Will save (the DC cannot be comprehended by mortal minds, so sure, pick your highest save) or be crushed, taking 1000d1000 points of shaq damage. If you survive, you are destined to become Shaq. Once Shaq does this, his bottom becomes exposed, which does not have his shaq armor bonus. However, should one penetrate this seemingly vulnerable area, woe betide to the world. Hug your loved ones tight, for these will be your last moments.
Destroy Magic: On Shaq’s action during the third round, he can destroy one of the following: all arcane magic (except for that which he wields), all divine magic (except for that which he wields or grants). On Shaq’s action during the fifth round, he destroys the other. This is a free action, for Shaq is the Godhead. Has that become clear.
Extract Bourbon: For the Shaq Soda is made from bourbon extract, the Godhead knows where all bourbon is. He may absorb all the bourbon that a creature holds, which probably causes it to regain hit points but who cares, cuz bourbon. Should the target not have bourbon, it instead drains water from the target’s very body. The target must succeed at a save (see Soda Shaq for rules; that is, if mere text can convey the majesty that is the Sunderer of the Divine) or take a bunch of random dice worth of damage and gain the dehydrated condition and the depressed condition. Being drunk by Shaq has to be pretty depressing.
Pharaohic Tongue: Any melee attacks the base creature does is now performed using the Godhead’s massive tongue. When a target is hit, it gains the moist condition. Shaq also becomes aware of how delicious the target is; well, he already knew, for he knows all things, but now he, uh, extra-knows? Sure, we’ll go with that.
Abilities: Increase from the base creature as follows: Str +fire, Dex +heat, Con +jam, Cha +face. (Note that only the truest believers will see numbers here. All others will be unable to make sense of this Holy Writ.)
Note: I had to do this from memory, and thus because my mind is still mortal, this write-up is inherently flawed and incomplete. And I had to do it quickly, lest my mind be lost further into the Shabyss. All typos and fuck-ups come from that. I long for the sweet and empty embrace of Shaq now.
P.S. Reading this causes a 1/1d2 Sanity loss. I probably should have lead with that.