I have these things on my whiteboard:

The day is what I make it.

Give no one the power to change that.

Things will happen that I can not control. I can, however, limit the time I spend.

Get over it still matters. (As in: sometimes things just suck and I have to plow ahead)

I’m going to add your two rules to my little list. I’m so tired of fighting the bullshit negative voices in my head. I’m tired of not being confident. I’m tired of over-explaining things to people, thus eroding their confidence in me.

Again, awesome post!

Six months ago, you might have had to. But throwing myself out there over the last little bit has taught me how to be, well, this dude that I am.

Totally looking forward to the UPS guy.

- Ryan

Man, I remember one time when I was being a weak bitch to you over IM one day, and you chewed me out for it. So consider this post payback for good (and necessarily harsh, so don’t you fucking apologize) advice. :)

- Ryan

That’s fascinating. I think I’ve started subconsciously editing weak words out of my proposals and such, but not consciously so. I’ll start looking at how I’m doing that. Thanks for the tip!

I do see it in my speech, but because I spent years being a podcaster who did his own audio production, I heard myself do it over and over. That helped me kick a lot of habits on weak words. I know others try to kick stuttering and the like, but for me the focus was on sounding like my words were worth listening to in the first place. In any case, not an education most people get.

- Ryan

I’d also rather have more successes, but that’s a different matter.

Another rule I live by that I may talk about later: That is what the future is for. (Related, This shit’s a marathon, not a race.) Keep working, and you’ll get the successes you’re looking for. It just takes time and work — and people to often underestimate the “time” part of that equation.

Also, I hear you on depression. The reason I didn’t start this life sooner was in large part due to letting my own depression get in the way. Sometimes, I still do, but I’ve learned to recognize triggers and deal with them as best as possible. Good luck to you in that regard. Not at easy road to travel, but a hell of a worthwhile one.

- Ryan

For me, they key was, has been, is, treating this negative intuition like a symptom. I had to learn to treat my intuition about myself as untrustworthy.

At first, this feels like lying to everyone; then there is the ‘duping delight’ of secretly enjoying the fact that I’m tricking everyone into treating me like a competent person; then there is the “Oh fuck now I am responsible for stuff and accountable to other people”; then there’s the genuine pleasure of doing things well when called upon to do so, combined with the periodic desire to crawl back into a hole and return to doing nothing and expecting nothing of myself.

As you said very well, though, my experience has been that I’d rather struggle with a few successes. I’d also rather have more successes, but that’s a different matter.

That I did not have to even try demands a transcontinental hi-5. Coming via UPS.

-Rob D.

Still struggling with this myself, mostly due to actually having been an arrogant prick in earlier life.

(I’m just waiting for some cockbite to say “Having been? Why the past tense, Underkoffler?”)

“Have confidence in yourself and your decisions. Show me that you do. You’re only being truly arrogant if you’re throwing it in my face and refusing criticism in return.”

And that is an excellent way to distinguish between the two. Bravo.

A single, concrete thing to practice that made a huge difference for me in moving from “faking” to “making”: remove qualifiers from writing and speech. No more “pretty much” or “but it’s negotiable” or “kinda” or “I guess”. That shit is totally insidious. I found that when I focused on it, it was everywhere in my communications. Every time I consciously removed a qualifier from a sentence and nobody freaked out or called me a cockbite (and nobody ever did), my confidence grew a little tiny bit.

I still do it sometimes in my speech. The pattern is deeply ingrained, and it’s everywhere in American society. But most of the time I catch it, and I feel good about it every time.

Thank you! And I look forward to that post! I find what you write about with online dating to be fascinating and awesome. (Cue mutual admiration society.)

A couple years or so back, I stopped using computer talk for my analogies, and instead switched to using dating/relationship/sex. Everyone gets those. It occurred only a little later, as I was writing the opening essay for a book I haven’t published, that I was also telling myself to use some of this “be cool with failure because it’s totally awesome” game design advice for dating as well.

Funny how that overlap works! :D

- Ryan

I’ve been guilty of similar thoughts, of underselling myself. Heck, I still catch myself doing it every so often. The key is KNOWING you do it and kicking your ass before the thought comes out of your mouth.

Since this totally relates to my niche in the geek-o-sphere, expect to see a trackback tomorrow when I write about this from the online dating angle. ;-)